Master My Stories
When it matters most and our emotions kick in, we often do our worst – even if we try to convince ourselves that we're doing the right thing.
Learn to create emotions that influence you to want to return to healthy dialogue.
Others don't make you mad, you make you mad. You see and hear something, and then you tell yourself a story. That story triggers your feelings. Then you either act on those feelings or have them act on you.
Manage your emotions by retracing your path. Return to the source of your feelings. Separate facts from feelings. You can see and hear facts. Stories, on the other hand, are judgments and conclusions that trigger your movement to silence or violence.
And watch for three clever stories:
- the Victim Story that makes you out to be the innocent sufferer. Ask yourself, "Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?"
- the Villain Story that emphasizes others' negative qualities. Ask youself, "Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this?"
- the Helpless Story that convinces you that you have no options for taking healthy action. Ask yourself, "What should I do right now to move toward what I really want?"
The Silence to Violence Continuum
Many of us tend to toggle back and forth. As we try to deal with crucial conversations, we toggle between two ends of an unproductive continuum. We hold things inside by going silent until we can tolerate it no longer – then we drop a bomb. We may not become physically violent, but we do say things that attack the ideas and feelings of the other person. In other words, we "do violence" to the relationship.
The Crucial Conversations Dialogue Skills
Start With Heart > Learn To Look > Make It Safe > Master My Stories > STATE My Path > Explore Others Paths > Move To Action