Make it Safe

When things go wrong in crucial conversations we may assume the content of our message is the problem, so we begin to water it down or avoid it altogether.

You can't be too candid. Candor doesn't make a conversation work or not work. Safety does. If you learn how to Make It Safe, you can talk to almost anyone about almost anything.

If you sense that safety is at risk, diagnose the cause. The two conditions of safety are Mutual Purpose and Mutual Respect. Commit to search for a goal that will benefit both parties. This soothes fears and rebuilds safety. If necessary, collaborate with the other person to invent a mutual purpose. Don't settle for a compromise. Move to different (often more creative) or higher and more encompassing goals.

The Silence to Violence Continuum

Many of us tend to toggle back and forth. As we try to deal with crucial conversations, we toggle between two ends of an unproductive continuum. We hold things inside by going silent until we can tolerate it no longer – then we drop a bomb. We may not become physically violent, but we do say things that attack the ideas and feelings of the other person. In other words, we "do violence" to the relationship.

The Crucial Conversations Dialogue Skills

Start With Heart > Learn To Look > Make It Safe > Master My Stories > STATE My Path > Explore Others Paths > Move To Action