Learn to Look

When a conversation turns crucial (high stakes, opposing opinions, strong emotions), it's easy to either miss or misinterpret the early signs. Remember, the sooner you catch problems, the sooner you can return to dialogue and the less severe the damage.

Learn to look. And do it early and often. A big difference between the "good" and the "best" at relationships is that the best see more. They see problems before they get out of hand.

What is your Style Under Stress? With what person or situation are you most likely to go to silence? To violence? Which form of silence or violence do you tend to go to most often? The more you know about your own tendencies, and the more positive energy you invest in the spirit and dynamics of the conversation, the better you'll like the result.

Above all else, watch for safety. When people feel unsafe, they typically move to either silence or violence.

The Silence to Violence Continuum

Many of us tend to toggle back and forth. As we try to deal with crucial conversations, we toggle between two ends of an unproductive continuum. We hold things inside by going silent until we can tolerate it no longer – then we drop a bomb. We may not become physically violent, but we do say things that attack the ideas and feelings of the other person. In other words, we "do violence" to the relationship.

The Crucial Conversations Dialogue Skills

Start With Heart > Learn To Look > Make It Safe > Master My Stories > STATE My Path > Explore Others Paths > Move To Action