Have you had any success helping a teenager deal with a crucial conversation like this?

Dear Crucial Skills,

Mom

Dear Mom,

Let’s begin with the principle of stewardship. It is the duty of anyone who is responsible for another person’s performance to give frequent and specific feedback. And likewise, every person who reports to a manager has the right to receive regular and frequent feedback regarding their performance.

This is a good starting point for your daughter. She should understand that requesting feedback from her boss is neither unusual nor out-of-bounds. In fact, making the request for feedback is being both reasonable and responsible. She has no reason to be embarrassed or apologetic—even if she is a teenager making this request from an adult.

So, how should she begin? Though not always necessary, asking for permission to discuss her request will demonstrate respect for her boss. For example: “Excuse me, Mrs. Taylor, could I talk to you about my job? Is now a good time?” If it’s not a good time, ask the manager when a good time would be and set an appointment. If this is a good time, suggest a place to talk where you won’t have an audience and then continue.

Share your good intentions. Your daughter should begin by disclosing her motive and aspiration or, in other words, by sharing her good intentions. This simple skill not only sets the agenda for the crucial conversation, it also creates mutual purpose and helps make it safe for both parties. She should simply share what she really wants regarding her work. Have her try something like: “Mrs. Taylor, I love working here at Pet Groomers and I want to do the best job I can possibly do. I want you to be pleased with my work and I want our customers to be happy with how I serve them.” This statement certainly identifies a purpose the boss cares about—quality customer service.

Ask for specific feedback. Next, your daughter should ask for what she wants, which is feedback from her boss. Now, remember her boss gave her feedback earlier about “taking her job more seriously.” The problem with that feedback is that it is not only useless, it is also punitive. What is she supposed to do, starting tomorrow morning, to “take her job more seriously”? How will that solve the customer’s complaint? When your daughter makes her request, she should specify what would help her most. “Would you share with me specifically what you see me as doing well, and what things I should work on improving?”

Listen. Next, she should listen well to understand what she should change or modify. If any of the boss’s comments are vague or fall into the category of conclusions or accusations, your daughter should ask for clarification and examples. “When you say I should be more serious about my job, what would you want me to do differently? What should I stop doing? What should I start doing?”

Follow up. Often, a boss will give generalized feedback because he or she has no direct experience with the employee’s work. Your daughter might ask: “Would you be willing to watch me wash the next three dogs or come look them over when I’m done so I know exactly what I can improve?”

As she works to incorporate helpful feedback, she should invite the boss to evaluate her washing job for the next several days—allowing her to easily analyze and adjust. This helps assure that her efforts to improve are paying off and that the boss will see improvement.

To build your daughter’s ability to do well and boost her confidence, I would recommend role playing. Play with the script. Find the words that are comfortable and natural. Practice responding to the different directions the conversation might realistically take.

Utilizing these skills and approach will help your daughter be more successful in her first job. However, when polished, these skills will also become lifelong skills that will help her in her future career and relationships.

All the best,
Ron

Why is direct talk bad? I’m not talking about rudeness or offering my opinion. I’m talking about saying things without adding “cushioning” words. It’s not well received when we speak directly and to the point. This isn’t about passing judgment on someone and voicing those judgments. It’s about getting work done.

A veteran direct talker

I think most of us love the speed and ease with which we conduct a conversation when chatting with trusted and loving friends. With close friends we tend to speak our minds without having to take extra steps to ensure the other person doesn’t become offended or defensive. As you suggest, we’re not punitive, but we don’t warm others up with warnings such as: “I hope you don’t find this offensive,” nor do we fall over backward to use tentative language. We just put our opinions out there and it seems to work just fine. This is the kind of “direct talk” most of us enjoy.

Unfortunately, direct talk doesn’t always work and here are the reasons why:

Void of trust. Like I just mentioned, if you don’t have a relationship founded on trust, you can’t expect to move quickly to an argument without softening the blow. You don’t know others’ motives and slight changes in tone might signal an underlying disagreement. Consequently, you have to get to know each other a lot better before you can “cut to the chase.”

Different expectations or backgrounds. People often have different expectations about what is a harmless statement of fact and what isn’t. For instance, if you lived in South America and just happened to carry a few extra pounds, absolute strangers might call you “gordita” or “gordito” (a little bit fat but in a cute kind of way). They would say this to you, a total stranger, as a term of endearment. If you’re from the States, you would probably find the word “fat” (even when accompanied by the “ito” or “ita”) to be a criticism. Where you come from, you don’t call people fat.

Difference in perspective. You don’t have to visit different countries to be viewed as too curt or abrasive. For instance, to tell someone that their idea is completely wrong might feel like an objective statement to you, but it might feel like an attack to the other person. Some of these differences can be explained by who’s giving versus whose receiving the feedback. “Wrong” sounds right if you’re saying it about someone else’s thinking and “wrong” sounds wrong when others are talking about your thinking.

Familial differences. In your family, blurting out your opinion and allowing an argument to stem from there is healthy and natural. However, your spouse’s family starts every differing opinion with a warm-up statement—“I’m not sure this is true, but I heard the other day. . .” You think your family is healthy, fun and fast paced. You think your spouse’s family is emotionally challenged and conversing with them is like swimming in molasses. In turn, they think you’re abrasive and insensitive.

Innate differences. Sometimes differences in opinion about what is frank versus what is fractious are more hard wired than learned. Research demonstrates that certain people (they tend to be more mathematically gifted than others) actually process information differently from the masses. They use the higher-level thinking portions of their brain to analyze subtle human interaction—a method that doesn’t serve them well. In a discussion, they often see only the logic, miss subtle interpersonal themes, and don’t spot emotions. This causes them to come off as socially backward. These folks don’t understand why others become upset or emotional when they themselves see no need for it. And yes, they are often described by their peers as abrupt, insensitive or even unaware. In contrast, they believe they speak “directly” and view others as illogical bundles of emotion.

The good news is, whatever the source behind your difference of opinion about what is appropriately direct and what is too direct, the solution is the same. As you watch others becoming defensive or hurt, quickly back off your short-hand talk and employ more labor intensive language tools. Create safety by establishing mutual purpose, clarify misunderstandings by using contrasting, soften your message by using tentative terms, and don’t say much without stopping to ask how the other person views the issue.

Of course, this less-direct method comes at a cost. If you’re in a hurry, it will feel painfully slow. If you’re from different cultures or backgrounds, it will feel socially out of step. If your brain is structured to calculate square roots in your head, the need to be less direct will feel illogical and unnecessary.

However, no matter the type of annoyance you experience, if you want the interaction to flow smoothly, read the signs the other person is sending you and adjust accordingly. If you’d rather plow on ahead with whatever is on your mind, get used to criticizing others for being too sensitive and being criticized yourself for being too abrupt.  

Best wishes,
Kerry

Hello readers.  In addition to other posts, I’ll also be contributing Q&As from the book authors as Kurt mentioned in the last post.  Have you ever had to deal with an attitude check like the one described?  How did you address it?

I supervise a qualified employee with an attitude problem. She can easily do the work required of her and do it well—if she’s in the right mood.

I have no problem with her interactions with me, but am slowly uncovering a pattern of problematic and disrespectful interactions with her peers. She does not realize that her natural style of communication can often sound unclear, brusque, and even abrasive. Her behavior is damaging relationships, and negatively affecting office efficiency and production.

How do I get her to see that the way she interacts with coworkers is just as important as the way that she does her work? Can this type of person change?

Signed,
Tired of the attitude

Yuck! Attitude problems are very difficult to deal with in the workplace because they directly affect working relationships, morale, and results. As a leader, it’s your job to confront them. But how?

You were right to recognize that there are two parts of every job: the results and the way people get results. Meeting expectations is important, but if an employee meets them in a way that insults and alienates the entire team, they hurt more than they help. As a leader you must set clear expectations around results and relationships, and then hold people accountable for both.

Having decided to address the attitude problem, let’s start with what you don’t do. Don’t say something like, “Sarah, I’m sick of your poor attitude. You need a check-up from the neck up to quit your stinkin’ thinkin’! And if you don’t fix your lousy attitude, you won’t be working here much longer. Got it?” Ouch. The problem here is that our feedback is generalized and vague; even if people wanted to act on our feedback, they wouldn’t have the first clue of what actually to do. 

The most important thing you can do when preparing to have a feedback conversation with someone is to gather data. What specifically is the person doing that is troublesome? What specifically do you want him or her to stop doing and start doing? What is he or she doing that is disrespectful? Abrasive? Brusque? Unclear? How specifically does this behavior impact others? When he or she enacts this behavior, how do others respond? Why? Hopefully, you get the point. My advice is: don’t discuss attitude—a nebulous measure—rather, focus on behaviors.

In terms of approach, don’t try to address a hundred different situations at once. Instead, address the pattern of the person’s behavior and use individual situations as specific examples. To do this, begin the conversation by stating the facts. Factually describe the behavior you see and the way it affects others, then ask for the other person’s perspective.

For example, you might say, “Sarah, I’ve noticed a pattern I’d like to discuss with you. In the last four staff meetings you’ve strongly expressed your point of view, and then said, ‘You’d have to be an idiot not to support this direction.’ I’ve noticed that when you say that, others shut down and are reluctant to express their views, or some get argumentative and defensive. Either way, the team bogs down. Have you noticed what I am describing?”

If the other person gets defensive, and moves toward silence or violence, share your good intention to make it safe for him or her.

“Sarah, I’m not trying to get you in trouble or hurt your feelings. I really want to help you be more effective with the team and also help the team be more effective in the process.”

If she doesn’t think it’s important to change, identify the impact her behavior has on others. How do others respond to her when she engages in the behaviors you want her to change? Also let her know that the change you’re requesting is a requirement of her job.

We can solve attitude problems. People can change in dramatic ways. In order to accomplish this you must do the following: forget attitude, focus on specific behaviors, create clear expectations, link the other person’s behavior to the impact on others, be regular and consistent in your feedback, share your good intentions, and finally, acknowledge and praise the other person’s progress. In this way you can help employees contribute both to improved results and improved relationships.

Warmly,
Ron

I suspect one of my direct reports (my assistant) has an issue with me that she is unwilling or unable to address. To my face she is pleasant and appears content. I have clearly expressed my desire for open communication and she has acknowledged that she feels comfortable coming to me with any concerns. However, in an exit interview, one of her coworkers told me that this employee “feels oppressed” by me. Another of her coworkers has referenced “communication problems” between us.

My gut tells me she is sharing her concerns with others, but not me, yet I have nothing tangible to reference with her. I don’t want to seem paranoid or have a conversation that is so vague it has no impact. I’d be more inclined to just let it go if it weren’t for the fact that I believe others are getting a negative perspective on me.

Thanks,
Wondering

I’ve long believed the most useless employee idea is the one you never hear—and likewise, the most hurtful customer complaint is the one that’s never shared. If you’re not aware of the problem, it’s tough to solve it. Now, in your case, you’ve got some clues that there is a problem, yet you have been unable to get direct understanding from your assistant. Apparently, she’s gone silent with you on this issue.
 
I find it helpful to think of this as a safety problem; because your assistant doesn’t feel safe, she doesn’t want to share. It’s not content that keeps people from talking openly. It’s perceived lack of safety. With enough safety you can share almost anything with almost anyone. The way to solve this issue with your assistant is to make it safe enough for her to share how she views the situation. Here are a few ideas.

First of all, think about what it is you really want here. This is a relationship problem. The first conversation you need to hold is not about whatever topic she’s holding back, it’s about how you work together. You not only want to identify and solve a communication problem, you want to do it in a way that builds a safe, effective relationship going forward. You want a relationship that’s open, a relationship where you can both talk about what’s working and what’s not—and where you can work together on making things better. Keep these goals in mind as you move forward, and they will help you stay on track in creating safety.

In order to build safety into this conversation, begin by sharing your good intentions. You might explain your reason for having this conversation. For example, “I want to talk to you about our working relationship—how it’s going, and how it can be improved.”

I also think it would show respect and be a nice touch to ask your assistant’s permission to have this conversation–again adding to the safety. Ask by saying something like, “Would that be alright?” If she says yes, proceed. If she says no, ask why not.

Now you want to share the issue you’re concerned about–you want to get your meaning into the shared pool. Start with the facts you have collected: “In an exit interview, your coworker shared with me that you feel oppressed by me, and another coworker referenced communication problems between us.” Then you can tentatively tell your story: “I’m wondering if I’m doing something that makes it hard to work with me and that makes it hard to talk to me about it.” And finally, ask for her perspective: “What’s going on? Please help me understand.”

And then—really listen. Honestly invite her to share and sincerely show your interest in what she’s saying. You achieve this by staying calm and professional as she shares her concerns. Don’t be defensive—that would likely reinforce the story she’s already telling about why she can’t bring things up. Often, actively listening will create a strong sense of mutual purpose and respect, and people will feel safe enough to open up.

If your assistant still does not want to talk about it, exercise your best judgment as to when to stop the conversation. At some point, to continue pressing is to cross the line into disrespect. If you decide to disengage, leave her with an invitation: “I would like to better understand how you feel about our working relationship, and would like to hear any ideas you have about how I can be more effective. Would it be alright with you if we revisit this issue another time?”

Keep in mind that for some issues, you will have to work on mutual purpose and respect consistently over time before you can build enough safety for others to be willing to open up.

As an additional note, if you suspect that the problem is more widespread than a single direct report, you might consider a simple tool to gather feedback, such as an anonymous survey. Often, if people can give you feedback in writing anonymously, they will be honest and direct. Try a short paragraph describing the feedback you want, such as, “I would like to collect feedback on my leadership style. Will you help me? Please identify the things I am doing well that I should CONTINUE doing, the things I am not doing well that I should STOP doing, the things I am not doing that I should START doing, and the things I am doing but should MODIFY. Do not attach your name. All responses will be collected and compiled by [a third party, perhaps an administrative assistant].”

This becomes a quick and efficient way of ascertaining whether or not there is a widespread problem that needs your attention. Be sure to thank your team for their time and thoughts and share with them some of the things you’re going to do to improve. Ask them for their support in making these changes and make sure you do not try to identify individual comments or be punitive in any way. As you target the things you need to change and as they see you making improvements, you will be creating a safer social climate in your team—making it easier for people to be honest with you in the future.

I wish you all the best in your most crucial confrontations.

Ron

I’ve been helping executives and organizations identify and maximize the impact of “discretionary effort” in their organizations. Discretionary effort is the capacity and energy of each individual in an organization not accounted for by deadline-driven projects, meetings, or other obligations. The question to ask is, “What do I and others in my organization do when we have a choice, i.e. discretion, about what to do with our time?”

In my experience, discretionary effort is a silver bullet, a frequently underutilized organizational asset. Those who learn how to tap discretionary effort achieve a strategic competitive advantage.

This blog is dedicated to my musings about how organizations can leverage discretionary effort to maximize their effectiveness and achieve the results they’re striving for.